Some of the Epic Obits

Ryan Reynolds (1976 - Never, Because He's Immortal)

Ryan Reynolds, the man who somehow managed to become both a superhero and a meme lord, has *allegedly* passed away at the ripe old age of 147—because, let's face it, with a face like that, he was never going to age like the rest of us mortals. 

Born in Vancouver, Canada, Ryan was immediately recognized as a national treasure, even though he spent much of his time in the U.S. pretending to be a variety of charmingly sarcastic characters. His rise to fame began with his unforgettable role in *Van Wilder,* where he made college parties cooler and kegs of beer more appealing. However, it was his portrayal of Deadpool that truly cemented his legacy as the king of snark.

Ryan was known for his wit, his abs, and his ability to make the most ridiculous things seem utterly cool—like marrying Blake Lively and naming his daughter James. Speaking of Blake, she’s requested that in lieu of flowers, fans should just keep watching *Deadpool* on repeat—because Ryan's contract clearly stipulated royalties for eternity.

Ryan is survived by his wife Blake, their adorable children, and the countless fans who will continue to wonder how a man could be so perfect yet so hilariously self-deprecating. In honor of his memory, it is requested that everyone make at least one sarcastic comment today, preferably while wearing a red spandex suit.

Though Ryan may be gone, his legacy lives on in every awkwardly charming, wise-cracking character that graces the screen from here on out. Rest in peace, Ryan. Or, knowing you, don’t. We’re pretty sure you’re too busy making the afterlife one giant party.

D.B. Cooper (1943-2024)

Skydiver, master of disguise, and occasional tea-time contortionist for European royalty, finally hung up his parachute at the ripe age of 81. After a long and illustrious career of eluding the FBI, charming heiresses, and baffling everyone from Scotland Yard to the Sultan of Brunei, Cooper decided to make his final exit from this world in a blaze of glory. 

Born in 1943 (give or take a few years, depending on which passport you believe), Cooper first made headlines in 1971 when he hijacked a plane, leapt into the night sky with $200,000, and disappeared without a trace. While the FBI spent decades combing the Pacific Northwest, Cooper was rumored to have been spending his time in more *exotic* locations—such as the boudoir of a certain English Duchess and the secret underground ballroom of the Vatican.

Cooper's legendary charm was rivaled only by his impressive flexibility, which he famously demonstrated during an impromptu yoga session with Queen Elizabeth II. According to palace insiders, Her Majesty was "thoroughly impressed" with Cooper’s ability to twist himself into a pretzel while simultaneously reciting Shakespeare and seducing her corgis with promises of belly rubs.

Despite his rakish ways, Cooper was a man of mystery and maintained his allure by slipping in and out of the lives of the rich and powerful. His torrid affair with the Queen of Denmark was the stuff of tabloid dreams—especially after the two were caught in a compromising position involving a tiara, a trampoline, and a case of vintage champagne.

In his final years, Cooper settled down in a luxurious Parisian penthouse, where he spent his days reminiscing about his skydiving exploits and perfecting his famous "Royal Pretzel" move, which allegedly required the flexibility of a yoga master and the stamina of a stallion. 

D.B. Cooper leaves behind a trail of broken hearts, perplexed detectives, and enough scandalous stories to keep the tabloids busy for decades. His ashes will be scattered from a plane over the Pacific Northwest, where legend has it, he will forever continue his leap into infamy.

In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to the International Contortionists' Society or the Society for the Prevention of FBI Wild Goose Chases.